Fifty Shades Of Tweed

Here at Zambuni we are, of course, advocates of all things tweed. We were thrilled to know that our passion was shared when a Zambuni girl’s father forwarded her this poem that he had written as a “Valentines Ode” for his wife. It may not quite be Shakespearean in quality it certainly puts EL James to shame.

 

‘FIFTY SHADES OF TWEED’

For  HMS 

COARSE TO THE TOUCH, PRICKLY AS HEATHER

SO PERFECT FOR ALL OF OUR GOD AWFUL WEATHER,

I’VE QUESTIONED THEM ALL, YOU MAY ASK WHOEVER,

THEY SAID ONE AND ALL, THEY PREFER IT TO LEATHER.

AS FOR BRIDLES, BITS AND KNOTS

PONY CLUB AND SCOUTS HAVE COVERED THE LOT

GLENSHEE IN THE WINTER

ARGYLL IN THE SUMMER

ICE COLD, THEN MIDGES

NOW THAT’S REALLY A BUMMER.

EIGHT MEN IN A SCRUM, CLOSE CONTACT REQUIRED

NO EYES RAISED OR BLUSHING, THEIR FULLY ATTIRED,

CHEST WADERS OF RUBBER, NOW THERE’S A THOUGHT

BUT NO SLY WINKS FROM MALLOCH’S

 FROM WHENCE THEY WERE BOUGHT.

WHERE STALKING MEANS STALKING, UP ON THE HILL

TELL MR GRAY IT’S THE ULTIMATE THRILL

WHEN BAREBACK MEANS BAREBACK

HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE

THOUGH I SUPPOSE IT DEPENDS IF IT’S MISTRESS OR WIFE.

WITH CANES AND PADDLES, EVEN TALK OF A KNIFE!

MOST LIKELY IN PERTHSIHIRE, SURELY NEVER IN FIFE?

DOMINATION, SUBMISSION, CRIKEY O’REILLY

IT’S LIKE E’MBRA AND GLASGAE, ONE DOUR AND ONE SMILEY

JOHN ‘O GROATS, I SHALL WAGER

HAS NE’ER SEEN THE LIKE

ALL THAT GASPING AND MOANING

LIKE A BAIRN OFF IT’S BIKE.

ONE WOULD EXPECT IT IN CITIES, LIKE PERTH AND KINROSS

BUT OUT IN THE COUNTRY WE’D BE AT A LOSS

THOUGH IN THE HEDGEROWS OF FIFE, AND WHEREVER THERE’S  HUNTING

THE SOUND OF THE HOUNDS IS DROWNED OUT BY THE GRUNTING,

OF NAUGHTY SQUIRES SQUIRING, AND STABLE GIRLS  GIGGLING.

WHILST COLD SCOTTISH PINK FLESH IS INCESSANTLY JIGGLING.

THERE’S RIDING CROPS, SPURS AND SADDLES AND SOAP

AND BOOTS MADE OF LEATHER AND LEADS MADE OF ROPE,

WHILST GUN ROOMS, THEY HAVE THAT MASCULINE FEEL

THE WOOD, OIL AND METAL, THE BRUSHES OF STEEL,

THE SMELL OF THE COUNTRY AND ALL IT ENTAILS

IS SURELY ENOUGH TO PUT WIND IN YOUR SAILS,

BUT IF THAT’S NOT ENOUGH AND YOUR ARDOURS IN NEED,

THEN PULL ON YOUR BREECHES AND WORSHIP THE TWEED!

Love DMS x

03

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